


Black Friday

by Metanoia_040



Series: MCYT huh? [2]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Black Friday, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Gen, Mind Games, Murder, No Beta We Die Like Wilbur in Skyblockle, The Black and White (Black Friday), Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27370723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metanoia_040/pseuds/Metanoia_040
Summary: It's Black Friday in the town of Hatchetfield, and this holiday season's hot ticket item is the brand new Tickle-Me Wiggly doll! He's cute. He's cuddly. He's evil. When supplies don't meet the demand, Sapnap Houston, Wilbur Soot, and the rest of the unfortunate souls at Lakeside Mall must fight their way through the shopping day from hell! When Wiggly hits the shelves, will the world survive... 'Black Friday?'Desc. taken from the og musical and edited slightly.link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqt4_tHLSB4&t=7405s
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Floris | Fundy, Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Past Karl Jacobs/Asshole, Past Sapnap/GeorgeNotFound, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: MCYT huh? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995397
Comments: 25
Kudos: 52





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> blame my stupid brain

A man with a dark beard and ~~rather horrendous~~ denim outfit sat sucking on a pipe. He looks up.

"Ahoy there boys and girls! Hop aboard the S.S. Wiggle, we're settin' sail- for giggles!"

He waved his his hand as if to beckon someone forwards.

"Come on, sniggles!"

Some kind of music started as he runs down onto an open floor. Obviously pre-recorded cheers fill the air.

"Hey, everybody!" A woman in an all green outfit with fuzzy sleeves says, "We're the sniggles! Don't be scared!"

She leads a long line of people dressed exactly the same onto the open floor.

It cuts to a shot of the same denim-clad man as earlier, this time with 'sniggles' behind him.

_"He's a wiggly snig, and a sniggly wiggly! A frendy-wend, that makes you giggly!"_

They all seem to be doing a dance, still maintaining their ~~too wide~~ smiles.

_"He's an underwater creature from outta this world, a bestest frendy-wend to all the boys and girls!"_

They all are spread out around the man, who holds a furry, green, doll in his arms.

_"He's a wiggly wig, and a snuggle-poo!_

_An' he'll wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle with you!"_

The camera zooms in on a woman wearing the same outfit as the other clapping her hands.

"His belly's so squishy!"

The man hands her the toy.

_"He's Wiggly! And he's here to stay!_

_His belly's squishy! Puts a smile on your face!"_

The man takes the toy back, holding it up.

_"So tickle his belly-well, and he will say..."_

**"I wuv** **you!"**

_"Tickle-me Wiggly!"_

The woman says, "Uncle Wiley, where does Wiggly come from?" in a nasally voice.

_("Tickle-me Wiggly!")_

"Well, he's deep down in drowsy town, sleepin' the dreamless sleep of the dead!"

A male sniggle bounced up to 'Uncle Wiley'.

"But how are we gonna wake 'im up Uncle Wiley?"

"Well, you'll just have to pick up your own Wiggly this Black Friday!"

_"Come on kids, time to gather 'round!_

_There's an underwater creature that will turn that frown!_

_He's a frendy-wend, through the think and blue, cuz' Wiggly wiggles with you!_ _"_

Wiley held Wiggly up under a spotlight, _"Rub his belly-well! Bounce him up and down!_

_Tell him that you love how he wiggles with you!!"_

_"He's all that you wanted, he's all that you needed, for this, holiday season."_

_"This holiday season, now you got a reason for fwends to come and play with us."_

_"You brush his hair with a comb, his body's made out of foam, that's certified laundry safe!"_

_"When Wiggly takes over, your hearts and your sofa, girl. Boy, the world will be a-_

_Playground full of magics and sniggle songs! And when you're feeling down he's there to sing along!_

_He's a wiggly snig, and a best fwend too! And he'll wiggle, wiggle._

_He'll wiggle, wiggle._

_He'll wiggle his way through life~!"_

"He's a steal at only $49.95!"

_"Do The Wiggle!"_

All of the sniggles started doing a strange dance.

_"Do The Wiggle!_ _"_

_"Do The Wiggle!"_

_"Do The Wiggle!"_

_"On this Black Friday, he will hit the shelves!_

_He's riding Santa's Sleigh, cuz' he's friends with all the elves!_

_So sniggle your stocking, up, for those days of twelve!"_

_"This Christmas wiggle, with Wiggly!"_

_"Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle your way through life!"_

"YEAH!"


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sapnap just wants his son to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

"It's Black Friday at Hatchetfield's Lakeside Mall, with sales so huge you'll _lose your mind!_ Doors open at 7 am!"

("Lose your mind!")

"A two-piece living room set from Miller's for only $555.88! _I just dropped dead!_ And fill this holiday season with giggles with the brand-new Tickle-Me Wiggly from Uncle Wiley Toys! Only $49.95 at Toy Zone!"

Two men sat in a car, driving along the dark road. The radio crackled- then:

_"He's a wiggly snig, and a sniggly_ _wiggly-_ "

With a click, the one not driving turned off the radio. 

"Ugh.

How many times are they gonna play that ad?"

"I don' know."

" _Dream,_ you know how I feel about that... musical commercial."

"I know, you don't--"

"I don't like it!"

The newly dubbed Dream just nodded tiredly.

"And I'll tell you why."

"Fundy, I don't care."

"It's these advertising firms, with their catchy jingles, that worm their way into your brain, brewing up the hype til' it boils over. It's things like Wiggly that make Black Friday the worst shopping day of the year."

"Oh, relax! It's just a toy."

"Cabbage Patch Kids were just toys, and there were riots over those things. Literally, riots."

Dream chuckled a little, "Why?

God, what even is a Cabbage Patch Kid? It's like your cuttin' into a head of lettuce and, 'Oh, shit, a baby!' It's like, I wanted a salad, but, now I have I child!

What is the appeal?"

"What's the appeal of, Tamogachis, or... beanie babies, or Wiggly? It's just mania, Dream, like a spell."

Dream turned of the car and started gathering up his things. "Well, we're here, so you can get off your soapbox. And none of that talk around Tubbo, okay? He's nine, they probably want a Wiggly more than anything. _And_ , if we upset his son, Sapnap will never invite us over again."

They both stepped out of the car into the cold November air.

"Your brother in-law is a bit of a scrooge, isn't he?"

"Yeah, well, the car crash was last Christmas, Fundy. The guy lost his husband." Dream put the bags on the ground. "I mean, he is an asshole," he closed the trunk and picked the bags back up, "but he's the guy George married, and he and Tubbo are the only family I have left. I barely know them. I'm done fucking things up, okay? I just need this to work."

"It will! He invited you over, he wants you to be a part of his life. So cheer up! It's Christmas time in Hatchetfield. Isn't that fun?"

Dream exhaled as he rang the doorbell, only mildly comforted by his fiance's attempts to cheer him up.

"Hey, everything's going to be okay, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay."

The door in front of them, to reveal a man. His hair was lazily tied back with a white bandanna, with a black tank top and sweatpants. His eyes were red - presumably from crying.

"Ah, you're late."

Dream blinked. "It's 6:30 in the morning."

"Yeah, and I said six. But I guess you had to go to Starbucks."

The other glanced at the cup in his hand.

"Aha." Sappitus Nappitus gestured for them to come in.

The three adults walked into the living room, to see a small brown haired boy sitting on the floor.

"Hey Tubbo!"

"Hi, Uncle Dream."

"We missed you at Thanksgiving yesterday, but I heard you and your dad did something pretty cool, Pizza Pete's?"

Fundy crouched down to be on the same level as the child in front of him. "Oh, Pizza Pete's, that is cool!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Fundy, I'm Dream's fiance?"

"Huh."

"U-uh, you know, we used to go to Pizza Pete's when I was a kid! I used to love the ball pits, the bumper cars!"

"Yeah, I don't really like getting hit by cars anymore."

"Oh. Right- because, yeah."

Dream internally facepalmed, but ruffled his nephew's hair affectionately, "Uh, I mean, that stuffs for little kids. Pizza Pete's is all about the games, right?"

"Yeah, Dad and I used to play Zombie House, but Papa can't cuz' he's not supposed to hold a gun. Not even a fake one, he gets flashbacks."

Sapnap walked back into the living room, (when had he left?) now wearing jeans and a turtleneck. "Whatcha' tellin' them? I do not get flashbacks, I remeber bad things very vividly."

Dream turned to Fundy, "Oh, Sapnap did two tours in Iraq."

"Oh! Thank you for your service."

"I didn't do it for you."

"And I coulda' played the damn zombie game, but I was over at the Ski Ball machine, trying to win tickets to help you get that RC car you wanted."

"I wanted to have fun." Tubbo looked up at his father.

"Ski Ball is fun."

"Ski Ball sucks."

Dream cut off the argument before it could progress any farther, "Well, we're gonna have fun today! We brought DVDs, games, we got leftovers. Everything you need for a belated turkey day."

"All right, you guys are gonna have a good time. Hopefully you'll only have to watch Tubbo for a few hours."

"Oh, uh, when you called, I thought that we," Dream scoffed, "I see.

This is not a 'family Thanksgiving' thing. I am babysitting."

"Yeah, Grace is outta town, and I couldn't find another sitter. I wouldn't have texted you guys unless I had any other option, I'm sorry. I'll try to be quick so I can get the hell outta here."

"Okay." Dream laughed a little. "Okay. Okay.

Okay." He somewhat aggressively grabbed the DVDs and handed them to Fundy.

"Papa, I thought we were all gonna be here together."

"Well, I have to go somewhere important, okay?"

"Where?"

"For your information, I need a new blade for my bandsaw."

"Yeah. That's real important."

"Hey, Tubbo. Tubbo!"

But Tubbo had already run up the stairs to his room.

"Wooow. Great priorities, Sapnap. First the tools, then the kid."

"I didn't say that."

"Well, what are you gonna do for their birthday? Leave him at home and take the drill press to Six Flags?"

"I don't have a drill press. And even if I did, how would it fit into the Sedan?" Sapnap exhaled, and glanced at the stairs. "I had to say something because I didn't wanna ruin the surprise. I'm going to the mall to get Tubbo's Christmas present, okay? It's this new doll everyone's been talkin' about. The lil', uh, Monster that you tickle."

"Oh my god, Sapnap, you're getting Tubbo a Tickle-Me Wiggly?"

"Shh, yeah."

"He's gonna flip! You must have pre-ordered that thing like six months ago!"

"Nah, Toy Zone doesn't do pre-orders, it's first come, first served, so."

Fundy tilted his head, "Oh, do you have someone holding your place in line?"

"What do you mean _line_? It's 6:30! I'm gonna get there ten minutes before the doors even open!"

Dream sucked in a breath awkwardly, "Uh, Sapnap? I know you've kinda been shut in for a while, so you might not grasp the demand for this doll."

"Yeah, my buddy, Eret, tried to get one online. The orders are so backed up, the earliest he can get one is next Christmas. Not this Christmas, next Christmas, maybe."

"You should've been in line last night."

"Shoulda been in line last week."

Sapnap ran a hand through his hair, "Are you guys pulling my chain?"

"Sapnap, at this point, I wouldn't even bother going down there."

"Goddamnit," he whispered, his eyes shining with tears, "George would've had this all worked out."

"You could get him, like, a Nintendo." 

"He doesn't want that, he wants the doll." Sapnap ran a hand down his face. "Is that too much to ask for?

Last Christmas, this kid lost more than any kid deserves. You wanna know what he was doing this time last year? He was sledding. With his father. Now he's.. This kid deserves to have one fucking thing that he asked for." Sapnap zipped up his winter coat. "So I'm not coming back into this house without one of those dolls in my hand. Because I will be godamned, if he does not have a merry fucking Christmas!"

He opened the door, "And a happy New Year!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Tubbo Wants & Mr. Soot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the support, it helps me keep this going! <3

Sapnap sat in his car, thinking. Thinking about one thing.

_"What Tubbo wants, Tubbo will get. Anything that he wants, he can have it._

_Even now it's a dream. The kind that makes you question reality. The fact you don't wake up is no accident, it seems to me._

_Someone's gotta pay for it."_

Sapnap smiled slightly, _"He used to like cars. Tonka trucks and ships that could show you the stars. I couldn't hold him still to teach him guitar. Oh no, he just wasn't having it."_

His face fell, _"And then, flash-bang-George. Flash-bang-nothing's the same!_

_What Tubbo wants, Tubbo will get. Anything that he wants he can have it._

_All I need is some time. All I need is a break from the madness. After all, your my son._

_He still lights up a room. It's just less frequently that you catch him in bloom._

_If there's a god, my god, can you see what you've made? My god, and what I took away._

_I hit replay on that night. Over and over again, till it gives up the fight._

_But, there's no end, there's no end, there's no ending in sight. My god, do I ever get that one-_

_Flash-bang-son. Flash-bang-what have I done?_

_What my son wants, my son will get! Anything that he wants he will have it._

_There's nothing I can't fix._

_If he wants that toy, by god I will take it._

_'Cause all I know, all I know is you._

_...I don't say it enough._

_I'm scared you blame me for Dad._

_I'm scared you blame me for your luck._

_But, there's no end, there's no end, there's no end to how much I love..."_

Sapnap took a deep breath.

_"You'll get what you want, you'll get it back. I'd give up both of my arms to get you on track._

_All I need is a smile, just give your dad a wink._

_Yes, all I need is to get you up, and towards the paradise you dream._

_'Cause I'm your dad, and you're my son._

_And our lives have just begun~!"_

* * *

Sapnap stepped out of the car and looked around.

A teen with a yellow hoodie sat smoking a cigarette in front of the doors to the mall.

"Excuse me, Sir, do you think it's okay for me to park here?"

The boy looked up, "Yeah, it says no parking at any time, but I'm sure the loading trucks could just park across the street. Does that work for you?" He sounded British, and high. Yet the voice sounded familiar to ~~Snapmap~~ Sapnap.

"Yeah, that's perf-" Sapnap turned around to see one very familiar teenager, "Wilbur?"

"Hey Mr. Houston."

"What are ya doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a bud before my shift."

"Hey, does your mother know you smoke?"

"Uh, yeah. She lets it slide cuz' I score her weed."

"Weed?" Sapnap took a few step toward Wilbur

"Wilbur, I thought you were done with all that? Last year, you were back in school, you were on top of your classes!"

Wilbur rolled his eyes, "I was hardly valedictorian."

"Well, you were doin' alright in my class."

"Yeah, shop class! Where you get an A if you don't cut off your finger!"

"No, if you show up and you put in the effort, I'm not gonna hold a lil' accident like that against you."

Wilbur nodded, "Yeah, well. Shop class was the only thing holding up my GPA. So, when they cancelled shop, cuz' the teacher had a 'family emergency', they fuckin' flunked me. So I decided to follow the example of my favorite teacher, and never come back. How does it feel to be a role model?"

"Wilbur, that's not a very fair thing to say."

"What's it matter? School's supposed to prepare you for the workplace,and I have a job." He pulled his hoodie a little bit to show a uniform. "Or is stock boy at Toy Zone a waste of my endless potential?"

"Toy Zone?"

"Yeah, what? You have a problem with retail?"

"No. No, no, no, no, I think Toy Zone is a great place for you to work. In fact, I'm proud of you Wil. I always thought you had a great work ethic."

"Yeah, well. If I don't support my drinking habit who will?"

Sapnap stared for a second, "Yeah, that's funny, listen, Wilbur, I'm actually here to get a Christmas present for my son, it's a Tickle-Me Wiggly."

"Ah."

"I didn't realize so many people were trying to do the same thing. So do you think there's, uh, anything you can do?"

Wilbur's eyes widened as he looked around. "Oh, you mean, like, put one on the side for you?"

"Yeah.."

"Yeah, like put your name on it, put it under the counter? Just screw over hundreds of people that got here before you?"

"That would be great."

"Yeah," Wilbur nodded, a smile on his face, "Well, you know, I could, but, that would be violating company policy. And, everyone's telling me to be more responsible lately, so I'm gonna go with them on this one."

He smiled condescendingly, "Oh! But hey, I got an idea. You can get in line like everyone else. And I'd hurry up if I were you. Line's already backed up to Nordstrom."

Sapnap blinked, then shook his head. "Oh, oh, no, no, no, no. To Nordstrom... ah, shit!"

"Wait wait, are you gonna leave your car there?"

"Let 'em tow it!"

"All right, merry Christmas."

"Yeah, merry Christmas, Wilbur!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im tired

_"Hark, the herald angels sing. Glory to, a newborn king!"_

A man wearing a business suit walked into a storage room where one denim-clad man and one British e-boy stood by a box.

_"A fucking furry little monster is gonna make me a pile of cash!"_

He laughed and ran up to the box.

"Right you are good buddy. Now I just need your J. Schlatt here on the dotted line." Denim Man handed a clipboard and pen towards Schlatt.

"Ah, with pleasure."

Wilbur looked at the box. "So that's them, huh?"

"Yup, our own little miracle on 34th street." Schlatt scribbled his name onto the line and handed it back to Denim Man.

"Tell me Wilbur, do you know why they call it _Black_ Friday?"

"Uh, because it comes after Thursday?"

"Cute. They call it Black Friday because it's the day in America when most retailers go from being in the red, losing money, to being in the black, _making money_."

Denim Man chuckled, it seemed warm, yet not. Almost as if an unseen threat lay just beneath the surface, waiting. "Well, friend-o, I have a feeling that these little babies are gonna take you _so_ far into the black, that you ain't ever comin' back." He stared at Schlatt for a few unsettling seconds. Schlatt cocked his head.

They both burst into laughter, that, though awkward, lightened the mood enough. 

"Oh, I sure hope so!"

"Oh, you are gonna make a killing!" Denim Man dragged his thumb across his throat quickly. "That is an Uncle Wiley Toys guarantee!"

Denim Man walked towards the exit, looking like he was high, if I'm being honest.

Schlatt looked up from where he was hugging the box of Wigglys. "Excuse me, Wilbur, I don't mean to bother you or anything but do you think I can see some hustle outta you on this, the most important shift of your life? On this, the holiest day in America for humble merchants across this fine nation?"

"If it's a holy day, do I get time-and-a-half?"

"You know, you have a real attitude problem. You're snippy to customers, your no-good brothers are always around, you'd think a dropout with a record would be thankful to have a job." Schlatt rested his hands on his hips. "You wanna end up like your mother? No prospects and four kids she can't take care of? She dropped your brother on his head or whatever." Wilbur's hands clenched into fists. "But you? Look at what a fine job she's done with you."

Wilbur hurriedly walked over to the crate. "Look, Schlatt, do you want me to unload these things or what?"

"That would be nice! If our hot ticket item could be on the shelves when we open!"

"Fine!"

"Thank you."

Wilbur tore the tape off the top of the box.

"Wilbur do you have something to say back to me? Something that a polite young man might respond with?"

"Thank you?"

"No, no, no, no. Wilbur, I know this is hard for you, but try to keep up. I say thank you, so you should say--"

"You're welcome." Wilbur grumbled.

Schlatt gasped and clasped his hands together. "See? He can be taught!"

He began ascending the staircase. " _Hark, the herald angels sing. Glory to a newborn king! Peace on Earth and lots of money! Money, money, money, money, just for me!"_

Wilbur grabbed the flaps to open the box, "We'll see who's laughin' by the end of the day. We'll see who's laughin'." He opened the box to see it filled to the brim with furry little monsters. Mesmerized, almost under a spell, Wilbur grabbed one. "Hi Wiggly. I'm Wilbur. So you're what all the fuss is about."

**"Tickle, my, belly-well."**

Wilbur did, gently.

"Heh, cute."

**"Hehehehe! Hehehehe! That, tickles! I think we're going to be very good fwendy-wends."**

Wilbur glanced behind him, to the door of the stockroom. "I think so too, Wiggly." He tugged off his backpack. "I think you're gonna help me out a lot more than you know." Wilbur closed the box and unzipped his bag, shoving the doll in, and looking around once more.

"Mall Security, we got a shoplifter! Drop that doll!"

Wilbur looked behind him, clutching his bag to his chest. Two teens stood behind him, one with shoulder length blonde hair and a bucket hat, the other with long pink hair and a ~~burger king~~ _very real_ crown. 

"Jesus Christ! Phil, Techno, you fucking assholes!" He pushed Techno lightly, though his idiotic smile revealed how happy he was to see them. 

"Hey, come on, it was just a goof!" Phil reached up to ruffle Wilbur's hair.

"Uh, where's our brother?"

Techno looked scared. "Oh no, Tommy? Is that what you've been telling us every day for the last four weeks, to pick up our kid brother?" Techno lightly squeezed Wilbur.

"Oh," Phil piped in, trying not to laugh. "We must have forgotten, cuz' we're so stupid."

"He's right over here. But I gotta warn ya, he's being a little snot today.

Tommy! Ugh, c'mere. Do I gotta put a leash on you, like a dog or... our cousin Oliver?"

"Okay, don't pull him!"

Techno threw his hands up, "I'm not."

Wilbur crouched down to be on the same level as the six year old. "Hey banana! Is it a good day or a bad day."

Tommy glanced at Wilbur, "Bad day."

"Well, I don't know who told you that, because today is a good day! You know my backpack, the one with all the pins on it?" Wilbur showed the backpack, boucing it a ouple of times. "Well today, you get to wear it!"

"No!"

Techno sighed, "See what I mean? It's been this all day."

"Why don't you wanna wear my backpack? That makes me sad. Do you think I have a bad backpack?"

Tommy looked at the backpack, then back at his feet. "I'm not supposed to."

Wilbur tilted his head and cupped Tommy's face. "Who says your not supposed to?"

"..Webby."

Techno rolled his eyes. "Oh great, now we gotta talk to the imaginary spider from outer space." ("Ow! Phil, what was that for?!")

"What does Webby say?"

Tommy's eyebrows knit together, like he was thinking real hard. "Bad blood, cross, black and white."

Techno looked similar to Tommy in that moment, as he looked like he was thinking hard. "...Can you translate? I don't speak crazy!"

Phil swatted his head lightly. "He's not crazy, he's creative!"

Wilbur sighed, "Come on Tommy, I don't have all day for this." He went to put the bag on Tommy, but was pushed away.

"No!"

Techno pulled Wilbur back, "Okay, lemme try, lemme try."

Techno sat on the floor in front of his mildly disgruntled little brother. "Alright, banana split." Techno pulled his _very real_ crown off of his head, and held it out in front of Tommy. "You see this hat? It was gifted to me, by a great warrior."

Techno turned around, hearing giggles behind him. "Don't you fuckin' laugh."

He turned back to Tommy. "It's imbued with the power of Grayskull, to ward off dark magic, bad blood, backpacks, any fuckin' thing." Techno sighed, "Now, I can lend you this hat, just for today. And while it's on you're head, nothing can harm you."

"Honest?" 

"Cross my heart, hope to die." He held out the crown to his younger brother, who smiled and placed it on his head.

Techno turned and gave a gobsmacked look to his older brothers. "I'm the best sibling, I'm just saying."

Phil laughed "Okay."

Wilbur smiled, "Alright, you're gonna watch him till I get off at noon, then we are out of this fucking town." He gasped, "Is everything good with the buyer?"

Phil got up from his place on the wall, "Oh yeah, about that, there's been a little complication."

"Shit."

"So, originally, we talked about five, well, word starts to get around. And before I know it, there is a bidding war for this thing." Phil gestured towards the bag on Tommy's back. "And, uh, we got somebody willing to pay seven."

Wilbur's jaw dropped, "Seven _hundred_ , for a doll?"

Phil chuckled a little, "No.

Seven _thousand_."

Wilbur blinked once. Then twice. Then three times. "Seven _thousand_? Seven fucking thousand dollars?" He laughed, pulling two of his brothers into a bone-crushing hug. "We're set! We're set!"

He ran up to Tommy and put his hands gently on his shoulders, "Tommy, do you know what this means?"

"California?"

"Cali-fucking-fornia!" Wilbur jumped up onto a crate. 

_"My mom's a bitch!_

_An alcoholic._

_A melancholic._

_That we keep afloat._

_It's time to flip the switch!_

_When the problems chronic._

_Not bein' hyperbolic._

_But it's time to ghost._

_And when the sun shines down upon me, I'll know I'm righteous babe._

_The past's a virus babe!_

_Cuz' we're Califor-M.I.A,_

_M.I.A."_

Techno and Phil linked hands with Wilbur, joining.

_"Cuz' we're Califor-M.I.A."_

Techno ran up to another box, _"It beats bein' broke._

_In this day and ages,_

_what the point of wages, if you can't afford a smoke?"_

Wilbur posed, acting like a movie star doing a photo shoot.

_"It's not a trope!_

_I'll be an actress, cuz' I've had practice, selling hope."_

("That's not how cameras work, Phil.")

_"And when the sun shines down upon us._

_We'll know we're righteous babe, we survived the crisis babe!_

_And when the sun shines down over Cali,_

_won't need a license,"_ Tommy ran up to his older brothers and joined their dramatic hand-holding, _"cuz' love'll drive us!_

_Oh, we're Califor-M.I.A,_

_M.I.A._

_We're missing in action!_

_Addition by subtraction!_

_We're Califor-M.I.A."_

Phil pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and took a pen that Techno offered.

"Dear mom,

It's been real. Real bad. I'd say you did you're best but, I'm not a liar."

Wilbur looked at the paper, "Oh, L-I-E-R Phil."

"We get it Wil, you're a good speller!

I'm taking my brothers. As far away as we can get. I'd give you an address but, I don't want to. Don't write. Don't call. Don't ask.

Sincerely, Phil.

P.S. Get your self a new trailer cuz' this one is broke. Ass. Shit."

_"Cuz' we're Califor-M.I.A._

_M.I.A." (M.I.A.!)_

_"Oh, we're Califor-M. I. A."_

With that, Wilbur pulled both Phil and Techno into one more bone-crushing hug.

As they let go, they saw Tommy imitating a person smoking.

"Tommy!"

He froze.

"What the fuck is this? That better be fucking floss! 

Lets go, I need a cigarette!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now, one day after i started this chapter, i can confirm, i am fucking exhausted.


End file.
